relearning

I sit on the sofa and watch the rain outside longing to trample in the puddles and shake the water of winter off my coat again. I tell myself that soon I will be strong enough that I must just persevere a little longer. That this time the craniotomy tooks its toll. All the side effects the dr's thought i would get I got.

I read something inspiring and it goes" forget about all the reasons why something maynot work. You only need to find one good reason why it will" its funny how when you have to relearn everything that you find out all the things you have been doing wrong or taking for granted! that your whole life you have been living on autopilot and now suddenly everything could not be more clearer!

you discover how many muscles you use to walk, sit, drive, talk and eat. How hard it is to smile. the simplest thing in the world you may think but yet the most challenging.

so like a child you start to focus on the things that you can do and you keep re-assuring yourself that you have come a long way.

then someone comes along and tells you all the reasons you should give up, and you start thinking well maybe I am wasting my time. That voice inside just wont let you quit it says come'on one more step when all you want to do is give up.

So you persevere a little longer and the results are great! maybe you cant yet doeverything but most things are good enough. So what if your parking skills need working... the greater population wont notice anyway or care as much as you think:)

Humour

When I was first diagnosed I felt almost like a celebrity. The flowers, fruit, books, sms's and so many family and friends coming around to share their sympathy, others their hope and some their support.

Its almost as if you died somehow when people come and say their goodbyes and make it their duty to see you, as if they are clearing the conscience. Almost ticking you off their to do list. I never thought I would be on someone's to do list so I really do feel rather flattered.

People never know what to say, so they say all those things that they think someone in my condition would want to hear. So there are no jokes, silly talk and inspiration in any form, has completely evaded them. I am left with the sympathy and the " you are going to die look"

Somehow I began my comicall part of this journey when even I thought I had in fact died. I was extremely ill and there were lots of people at my bedside. I woke up in a daze from all the medication and in fact asked loudly. " Have I died?" and indeed the reaction was one of dismay and sadness. So began my journey into the humour of a life with cancer.

Let me say at the outset that this in not mocking of the very serious illness but just helping myself including everyone else cope with it just a little better. For at times humour is the only thing that you have, when all positivity and sense of hope is lost.

So whilst I travel and I discover the humour and the comedy in the way I and others deal with my illness and all that it affects.

My favourite one" If you are too open minded, your brains will fall out"

blogging

An enquiry today led me back to my screen. For it has been a long time since I have blogged or rather felt some inspiration to. Yet here I sit behind the screens of my computer and share me journey with all those who care to listen.

I am to educate as I blog, as not much is said about cancer it has become a sentence all on its own. Life is challenging already for most if not all of us. My plate is just more full than most. When I am done dealing with the life stuff, I have the cancer stuff to deal with.

So I put cancer in a little box which I always carry around with me, and I let it out when I want but I seldom let it define me. Rather i have defined it and I redefine it as the days pass and as it requires more attention.

So I am challenged and I step out removing my shackles but never forgetting them as they are there I believe to always keep me grounded.