My Journey

My Journey through cancer

Outside it was one of those perfect Cape Town, Summer days, peering through the soft stained wooden blinds of my room I could see Table Mountain uncovered by cloud. I longed to leave the confines and heat of my room, but felt imprisoned, waiting on news that I knew was bound to change my life forever.

“No calamity befalls, but with the leave (ie decision and Qadar of Allah’ (Qura’an 64:11)

My thoughts were interrupted by my two week old baby needing to be nurtured. I looked down at her, and felt so blessed alghamdulillah that even though through a difficult pregnancy this little angel, delicate and graceful was born. I knew then whatever it was that I was meant to face, that this little angel was sent by my Creator, and I took it as a sign to be strong.

I paced the passageway countless times trying desperately to absorb the news given to me from the other end of the line. News I had feared, but the reality of which had never dawned upon me. CANCER saying it out loud sounded like some foreign disease, one that I had only seen in movies made by celebrities whose fake display of the realities I was about to face paled in comparison.

Kneeling on a welcoming yet cold passage floor I lifted my hands above my head in supplication that I find the strength to convey the news of my incurable malignant brain tumor to my beloved husband, children and family. I felt the back of my hand wiping my tearless face almost in automation but even my hand felt the numbness and the disbelief my expression held.

“ O, you who believe! Seek help in patience and the Prayer” (Qur’an 2:153)

My parents who instilled a consciousness of Allah SWT in me from a very young age, re-confirmed to me that everything comes from Allah and that I should be strong have patience and persevere. Conveying the news to my spouse, children and siblings and listening to them reveal the depths of their own fears was the hardest part. Fears shared by me. But they stood by me firm and unwavering in their continuous love and support.

Our family shares a strong bond and this news strengthened those bonds. It pulled and stretched each rope that held us together that we would at times be holding on only to the fibers which remained.

The weeks ahead was a myriad of Oncologist meetings, tests and planning for treatment I was to undergo. And like a tamed deer I was to lay encaged by high tech machines which was to bring about relief. So the weeks that followed become months and I become still and robotic drifting from treatment to treatment devoid of emotion.

Then one night in a defining moment we made our niyah for hajj, my journey not only to the holy lands but my souls journey to Allah. For somewhere in between the treatments I had lost a nearness to him in my robotic quest for a medical cure, I had lost the conviction I had that HE was the only cure. So my spiritual path meandered its way not only to the Ka’bah but to Allah and my complete submission to HIM.

I completed a walking Hajj alghamdu-lillhah proudly carrying the flag, the flag to me symbolizing not only fighting cancer but fighting for and upholding my spirituality, for it is that which gave me physical strength. As I write this nostalgia sets in thinking of the holy lands and all the beauty and bounties it has to offer and my heart yearns to re-visit it again insha-Allah.

I was told that if my duas are not answered in this world that something better awaits me in the hereafter and that those who are tested have been chosen to be close to Allah SWT and to exercise their patience which Allah has granted and that after every difficulty comes ease.

“Verily, with hardship, there is relief” (Qur’an 94:6)

My conviction in this was tested in the ensuing months of more treatments of a harsher kind. Treatments which humbled me to the core of my being. I lost not only all my hair but all of my vanity. And to rid oneself of one’s vanity is to be humbled like a tree in winter stripped of its leaves, exposed to the elements that the wind carries but never to be stronger and more grounded.

I was grounded and my roots, spread deep beneath the soil of Imaan and Taqwah and it strengthened me and I survived radiation, chemotherapy as well as brain surgery and still I stand exposed to the wind but stronger.

Cancer this word that I had feared whenever in its encounter, became my gift and it became my key unlocking a new world of opportunities I would not have had the fortune to experience.

It opened up my eyes closed to a community that needs assistance. Eyes closed to the gratitude we owe for every limb, muscle and movement we are so effortlessly able to use without a thought that every second only Allah SWT makes this possible. Eyes closed to those who lives amongst us, in our very midst that suffers perils far worse than physical illness, perils of the heart, perils of the lack of God consciousness.

“and if you would count the graces of Allah, never could you be able to count them”

(Qur’an 31:20)

Through this gift of Cancer I am able to sacrifice a job once loved for I know that I am destined for greater more meaningful work, work to help shape a path of inspiration and of hope and to provide assistance to those in need and ultimately walk my path back to Allah.

On this perfect summers day, I sit and reflect in complete submission and acceptance of Allah’s will and decree and I have no fear for tomorrow and what it holds as I know it has been ordained long ago for the ink is dry and the pages have been written. And I am no longer imprisoned by fear but free in enlightenment.

“verily from Allah we come and to him we must return”

Published in Sisters Magazine Spring 2010 issue